No Side.

DYRL?

2006-06-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

Just make the contents grow.
Tonight I will sleep alone.

Turn the bottle away.
So the label won't say,
"John Walker will need
the same way John Cash grieves."
It's you before me.
Except when I receive.

What makes you push me away?
Keep asking why I stay.

Turn the bottle away.
So the label won't say,
"Will your meds kick in
when the dark begins?"
It's you before me.
How long must we believe?

I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"
I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"
I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"

Blindfold me in the dark.
To separate conscious parts.

Turn the bottle away.
So the label won't say,
"That the problem is me."
At least tonight I will sleep.
It's you before me.
Baby, desperation builds need.

And I remember need,
but I keep forgetting me.

Turn the bottle away.
So the label won't say
that, "I've made up my mind."
'Happens every time.
It's you before me.
Close your grip on my sleeves.

I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"
I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"
I ask myself,
"Do you remember love?"

I miss when you were brighter.
And I miss being nicer.
Sneaking your pills in need.
Some promise to elevate me.

I miss being brighter,
and I miss you being nicer.
And I keep thinking above,
"Do I deserve love?"

And I keep thinking above,
"Do I require love?"

And I keep thinking above,
"Can I endure love?"

Cloner Consumption **I can't talk fast enough version.

2006-04-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Evening out the paces between
each bite each big bite
from the leg of my leg
and the meat of my chicken breasts.

There's glass and confette under us
from the table and the party
that once surrounded us.
The glass is all safety from the
barrier around me and
the home of the clones
is the barrier I'm carrying
with me.

An extra body and
an extra set of clothes.
A cell phone to say
that nobody's home.
Marrow and meat
from a person that is me
and is not me.
We're friends and lovers and enemies.
We drink the same water
and piss on our feet when standing.
We're tired and moaning.
We're alone in the morning.
We're drunk on our feet.

Yeah yeah confetti
yeah yeah

Another dinner a clone and a meal from the meat of me.
The bones are warm and the blood's flowing finally.

Yeah yeah confetti
yeah yeah

Another plate glass shatter from the hour in delivery.
The bedspread's made another new 'nother new me.

Yeah yeah confetti
yeah yeah

The dinner bell swell bloodshot eyes and I'm hungry.
Late night masterpiece means, huh, eat me.

Cloner Consumption I'm a Country-Blues Cheeseburger Edition

2006-04-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

Plastic fork.
I've been fucked with worse.
Plastic fork.
You won't make it hurt.
Nothing else is much worse.
Than a plate full of memories.
And we're all going to eat

from that buffet.

Plastic fork.
Knows more than plastic knife.
Plastic hour.
Us in the plastic firefight.
Nothing else is much worse.
When you're not beside me.
And we're all going to eat

from that buffet.

*steel guitar picking*

Plastic fork.
As disposable as our feelings.
Plastic life.
Won't you remember tonight?
Nothing else is much worse.
You're stuck up inside me.
And we're all gonna eat

from my buffet.

I told my daughter how to make money and she told me how to leave (leave me).

2006-04-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hit me like you hit the stage.
Raise your hands up and
pull all the stunts from knees
to the studs in the floorboards.
I was all innocent.
Red innoncent.
Last of the blood stains
from the carpets from when
I was growing up.

Grandma was gin.
Raked hair.
Thin mask of mascara
and smelling of lilac
and juniper berries.

"I want you in me,"
said from the cemetary.
Man sans wife.
The love lacks the latter.

Cake of mascara and me
tied strings round our fingers
and I fingered the pages
of the hymnal.

We sang to the stage.
I cried and I prayed
that the man who
died
may have died
just for this
blood in me.
__________________________________

So what mom?
I slept may way from coast
to coast.
Who knows the names
of the men that
have loved me?
Call Adam by name
and bring bread
and babe to the
alter to bathe in the holy stream.

Please fix this.

Fix the water and
fix the name that I've became
from the naked stage.

Greased pole
wet gyrations momma.

Fifty dollars says I won't be clean.
Fifty dollars says
Adam and me will be working
some new, modern debt
for the rest of our lives.

Please take it from the liquid
in me.
Please take it from the stem
of the seed.

My daughter and me will be
picking our way to Alaska.
And he takes it.
And he wakes up
with cats 'cause I left.

This puss' may be a box
to a chef,
but the water is moving
and it will always
run inside of me.

Take it.
Take me,
and leave it inside me.

Bring me and raise it
then leave.

That's the sum of what I need.
Make sure the check is
addressed to me.
Properly.
And leave it if need be.

I'll be easy in the upstairs,
and if you need me
I'll be rolled up in the bedspread
at the foot of the footboards.

That's if you need --
that's if you want me.
If your name's Adam, and
if you're polite than I won't
care.

Just leave me with the
money and I won't care.

In me and
need me.
Saint Guinavere.
Painted above my bed.
__________________________
Placed in the crib
no less than three renditions.

My mouth may be stupid,
but at least I choke.
At times.
This envelope is mine,
and the money if fresh
in all our thoughts.

This money is the cost
of all youthful thoughts.

This money is the dream
of the lies that I've seen.
This money is the path
of the lost.

We can be nothing but cost.
IRS slave wage.
Morgage days.
Need me so that I may
need to be alive.

Child.

You and I are the rakes.

We take and we take.

We pass out for days.

This money makes us slaves
to the man who collects all
our costs and the loss
is me making minimum wage.
I've been saving for days, but
the misery's afoot.

Look what I've took for us to eat.
Babe 'best keep on your feet
round the sad greasy pole.

Just shake so that you may
get better than me.
'Cause you're prettier than me,
and you know what you need.
What you need is a man.
Dark hair and a tan.

Just don't take credit cards
unless he's hard
and he's hungry enough to leave.

If he's hungry then
he'll know when to leave.

___________________________
Trust me.

Some whore's breakfast 1990.
Tell me lies tell me lies tell me lies.
I know who died,
and you're kid's name's on
the napkin.

I know who died and I saw your
"something". The kid
might hear...

...your greased wet.
Your plague.

It took the firemen
to get your harness off the stage.

It took you wet
to make way for your name.

It took your daughter
to close out the day.

Jealous and in oak
casket it shows.
Jealous from the name
of your daughter
when he rose
gripping the edges of the stage.

Jealous from the obituary
where the headline is your name.

Trying is all art. Trying is all timing.

2006-04-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

Tied up to the overpass.
Tied down to the grass under
my feet and spelling
"I love you"
with every ounce of me.

Drop me with my
doppleganders.
Let me wander
with leftovers
and eat when
I'm hungry not eat
not eat, not eat
when you're feeding me.

One day, you will find me
one day, perhaps beside
me I think, I drink
too much to compensate,
but I think,
you hope,
you differentiate that
you know
I know
we're all knowing this.
I plan, and I'm hoping this.

We kiss, and I'm missing this.

Oh, I'm hoping that
I'm doing this right thing
this time.
\\\\\\*kiss, kiss*
Plainly planning to suck
on this.
Dragging your soul up
on this.
Let me know when you're done
with this.
That's when I'll know to let go
of this.

I was bright me you buy me.
I was bright me you buy me.

Then you're blind again.

One red haired dancer early evening photograph 1935.

2006-04-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

"We've got to keep you -
there is no equal,
no frequent feeling,
no waste of time
ever, lovely."

I was just born and stood
on the staircase
wearing the bracelet
of an roughneck's bride.
I was just born and wore
a cotton cape
stained with pumpkin
and strained carrots.
I was just born and stayed
quiet in case
the rifle wasn't
secured in the closet.
I was just born and laid
low to the floor
boards hungry knowing
I would die poor.

Now matter how
hard we tried.

And I may have.

My dad's got
handfuls of sage
wrapped in torn
pages from the
Sears catalog.

My mom's got
a pearl earring
and a scarf
pulled close to
her heart.

My man's got
a new hand
with bracelet
tugged tight
into his.

My nails got
wicked and thin.
My lips got
cracked and dry.
And I sighed.

And I sighed
when I heard
my sigh.

And I laughed
when I learned.

I laughed
when I learned
that this is
not my Earth
anymore.

For a time
I was born,
and I died poor.
Yeah, momma
I died poor.

[BMBFFletters]

2006-04-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

*Fascinating.
*Just fascinating some stories and a head less sleep.
*Something deep inside me grabs down on all senses
*hands to my back and working through dry spots
*eyes on my lids and wondering where this is going.
*Let's follow along. I've saved the sale bills for another song.

The mail tells me that I'm still living.
Something tells me that I'm still moving.
Hunched back and roughed shoulder tension.
This body tells me, "Hold on kid."
"There's no place we were ever meant to be."
The mail tells me to watch the tv.
Something tells me that I've wasted enough time seeing.
Banking now on five hours sleep.
This body tells me, "We're in deep."
"There's no time we were ever meant to be."
The mail tells me to spend my money.
Something tells me that this is how every day will be.
All deposits will be paid in full.
This body tells me, "Promise this please."
"There no thing we were ever meant to be."
Letter I've got everything I need.
letter i'll be better in the morning

letter if you leave me
than i won't know
that i'm still living
alone

Er,
letter i'd leave you alone
if you leave me than
it'll be easy to move
on alone

Business Casual Protest-A-Gogo

2006-04-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

1000 faces talking.
The fight's true,
but the mouths are naive.
B says this fight costs money.
Buy up a couple bureaucrats
with whiskey and gunpowder
stains on their husky suit sleeves.
This fight for homo rights
is nothing but a plague of lisps:
effeminate tendrils and hands that
won't change anything
until they change their clothes
and sell off their souls --
park their volvo's and swap
zip-codes with the rest
of the screaming abortionists.
BAN GAY in big letters with
the RED-R hanging off to the side.
Did this new hate make
scripture suddenly en vogue,
or is this lack of fight
due to civility and education?
1000 faces talking, talking, talking
and they're all empty mouths.

Fuck it, I'm into heartwarming

2006-04-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'm always so cold even when I don't mean to be.
Selling off my bones, my bones, my bones.
Don't need many of them anymore, but we've grown attached.
Not the marrow but the meat. The meat and the money.
The force that's fucking up my back and taking my name.
All five syllables --
I swear.
It happens every day that I wake up sick.
All the days that I wake up tired.
Every discussion held that is used to convince me that
as long as I'm moving at all the movement will be forward.
Never stagnant.
Which is my favorite pattern and it's making you tired.
And worried.
Which makes me worried.

Fuck it, I'm into heartwarming motherfucker.
I'm into calling and cuddling.
I'm into lawnchairs and shaving.
I'm into the A-BOMB.
I'm into the XXX-BOMB.
We may not hold hands often,
but we make up for it at the stop lights.
Just remember that.
Just keep the dance steps in time.

HOT HEAT BOOM!

2006-03-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

I tell you what.
YOU TELL ME NOW.
I'm on and off
just like the lies
I tell myself
about conversations with
family.

Nah, I'm just off
sometime so close
to shutdown for good.
There's truth,
then there's what needs
to be told.

There's heat when I speak.
Sometimes enough
that I set myself on fire.
And that wind will pick up
throughout my lifetime.
And that wind will
signal the end to all
loose ends.

Friends, sluts,
knives and spies.
Let's keep this fluent,
it never hurts to.
Right?
It never hurts until
you do.
Right?

If I was human would I be forgiven?

2006-03-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Still sleeping
and dreaming
I was a human.

The last time I
was human I was
always half broken.
Always just half
sleeping and
always just half
living.

Mama,
if I was human
would I be forgiven?
Make like me
millions of other
babies to live
half a life.
Fix me then
frame me to
live half a life.

Mama,
if I was human
would I be living?
The bills and the
pills and the kids
and the wife and
the house and the
car and the feeling
I'm permanently wasted
and I'm permanently
wasting my time.

Mama,
next time make me
more human.

Still sleeping
and wishing
I would dream.
I'll be scheduling
these appointments
till the day that I
die, if I die.

If you try then
I'll try if you try
then I'll try if
I try if I try
if I try.

22% friendly, 38% charming, 40% smoke

2006-02-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

Brennan tells me that the myth
of the wild-west is a lie.
Money brought up this country;
slicked bills and easy swaggers
from behind nine-ton palisades.
'Sounds like the working poor
breeding into the working class
with bitter and wide-assed wives.
A lifetime spent living wondering
if you're even really alive.
I'm not sure if I've ever believed
it long term but,
given the effectiveness of the dream,
I've plotted out my veins in the
pattern of highways.
It's just a car -- I know.
At times I've been driving
this body to death.

So, you keep your halo and
I'll keep my late nights.
Even believing something
that isn't true
keeps the dream alive.
And a lie just hasn't been
subscribed to yet.

Serenity now,
serenity now please now.
The dream tastes of dust.
The dream has failed whole.
No soul songs can bring
me to these dreams (home).
Although, a slow slope of
asphalt is a good start.
Toward home.

Soft Analysis

2006-02-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

This hole gives me a voice
and this voice gives me a soul...
...I think.
At least
for a little while, I'll keep speaking
to ensure I'm still awake.
Waxing on my neuroses,
waning from need of sleep.

Promote me to a basement, create me
fair enough to not just touch
but be touched by light.
Touched in the head.
Touched by everything I've said.
I'll paint with a big blue sash
of worry.

Last night can't be tonight.
So, what would be like life again?

V-D M-E

2006-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Love is a pillow and this pillow is not clean.
Want is still need and the wanton lust is just death again.
So sleep some time and promise me small promises.
Text me a sentence saying that you:
will not dream of me
will not dream of me
will not dream of me

So smooth and struggling just to breathe out my nose.
Wondering why I'm still awake and waiting for snow.
Realizing same conviction from convicting just myself.
Oh, I'm proof that sometimes:
good things happen to bad people
good things happen to bad people
good things happen to bad people

Nothing is proof No one is admitted
Nothing is true Everyday is permanent
V-D
+
M-E
If you call I'll be asleep

Connected at the throat. (I'm knowing less, HOLD ON)

2006-02-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

Head I am so glad you are safe I was worried you would end up taking me home.
Head we're laying out all of these pictures and dissecting the moments slow.
P-P-Polaroid working double-time scan every section of every page for a note.
H-H-Hands turning over simple white-framed instance of water from water equals soul.
A-A-And you're feeding me these images of something that I've never seen before.

Head rolls right while I roll left and we shout the same mess out at the same time:
THEY ARE SHOOTING IN THE WATER AT ALL YOUR SONS AND ALL YOUR DAUGHTERS EVERY FRAIL FETAL THING EVER GROWN.

ARRIVING ALWAYS SECOND THO' THE LAST THING REMEMBERED IS THAT THE FIRST MOMENTS OF EACH DAY ARE COLD.

Oh, how I miss the water even when I went under from the weight of this extra head I hold. We're connected at the throat, baby, like the same wheel but extra spokes, like the same psychotic impulse, like every light bulb burning frenzied before blown.
How else but with photographs can I roll on?
Simply, as always, whispering through the same hole I'm finishing up my diet, finishing up my stomach, finishing out this placement, finishing out the day, the dream, the mouth,

you could eat for me,

the legs, the heart, the HOLD ON HEAD HOLD ON!

OH hold on hold on hold on hold.

≥ (only conceptually sad)

2006-02-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

He was smoke.
Burning every last
memory in front
of me.

And I was ice.
Solid cold and
slowly melting
from the heat.

Some new
phantom blood
working its way
through same
old veins.

Some new
phantom blood;
same ass
and sapient
mouthpiece.

Some similar soul
I should have
recognized - some
soul I have owned,
once or twice,
saying
tap me like you
tap the accelerator.

Start slow then
dig your foot
right in.

I dig through
the ice.
I watch my smoke
and smile.
I post all
final grievances
in the morning.

Non-

2006-02-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

Kid, Sen don't you let me do it,
you can't have it
no you can't have it
no you know,
this is all supposed to be mine
(posing dramatically)
(Sen is still ashes)

Scare off the outsiders
with all this west-side
bull-shit east-side shit --
it's the same desperate state.
Misery and climbing
and lowering and
hunching my body
slower and slower
extenuating each arc
with a soft
rocking movement.

Bodybomb.
Lifting each soft light off.
I think I make myself
sleepy but
never enough to fall
asleep.
I think I remove each
dream but
never know what I'm
up to.

Sneaky,
sleepeasy kid Sen (off)
come, now (off)
ahaha (off)
'Just about the last proof I've got.

loss not lost (a talent for blanks)

2006-02-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

I know this mind's
got parking signs
because,
I get lost inside and
travel off while
people keep
talking to me

Turn signals
though, I need
turn signals
that work
so that I know
where I'm going
and what
the hell
is going
on

Then sitting
in the passenger
seat wandering,
thinking,
"How can I not
be myself?"
and realizing
that I've got
it all wrong.

"How could I
not be myself?"
So I change
out the masks
and be a little
something else
for a while.

Let me see.
Right blinker.

this time

Say, fabric, do what you want with me.

2006-02-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

Wearing you well
for the past two days.
I should wash this
jacket before the
stains set.

Same thing
for the blood
on my jeans.
No sleeves with
my shirt off.
I wrap the jacket
around my face
and sleep in
soiled memories.

Sundown. The image began to crackle.

2006-01-31T22:03:00.000-08:00

Please don't make me

Enemy.
Another world.
All right
by my side.

Please don't make me.

Now here is a darkness.
Every time I sing
you're alight by my side.
Ever time I need
a good face for a monster
now here in the darkness
I look for a mirror.

Sun.downer.
Another world.
All right
by my side.

Please don't make me sing.
Reaching for the reflection.
You are the wall in front of us.

I will help you.
Or, you will help me.

On the phones.

2006-01-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

Baby's got numbers for you.
Call up quick and find out.
Can't you, smiling,
just play nice now?
Baby, talking heavy
saying,
"I'm not a child.
I can do my own
taxes and everything."

Oh, were you listening?
Am I not allowed to
dance around...
Dance around without
my clothes...
Dance around
just now
when no one
is around.

I was probably thinking
perverted things
rolling all around the floor.
KISS KISS kids.
Sweat stains sticking
to the back side
of my sunglasses.

Oh
and there's
this rumor
going all through this web.
Oh
and there's
me thinking
double down and
DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

Kid, this is where
the symphony picks up.
Open them ears wide.
See how high you can kick
before that slow slope
of a back

goes out
for good.

Lucre|Libre

2006-01-28T00:43:00.000-08:00

This ninja life
it's going fast
oh, I
don't think,
I'll last.
Sans last night
with steel pipe
and what seemed
like a full acre
of glass.
This ninja life
is ending faster
than any normal
life I've been
under.
Any life
I've been near
as far as
recent memory
proves.
Distance
delineates
nothing.
Time
works
conducively.
So, steel pipe
and straight back
to freshly grated
drives.
So, excess glass
and an
instant camera
to document
the eyes.
So, a rap sheet
to take me
into
this next life.

Scrapbooked
Traced back
Just me
and me
and me
and me
and me
and Polaroids.

This ninja life,
It's going fast
It's ending fast
It's

We need more brown hair / open mouths.

2006-01-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

Avast ye reader.
No, I'm not dead.
Yes, I'm back in college.

I wanted to write something really profound but, after finishing up a round of homework, I'm spent. Who knew drawing could take so much out of you?

Perhaps it's a re-channeling of the creative spirit that is causing this robbery?
Eh, who knows.

Wood-carved prints suck and my professor doesn't seem to care much for my 'style'.
Anyone want to help wrap me in bacon and sautee me in pretension?

Of all these bitches
and I've no idea
when I'll be heading south, south, south

My hands still work
while the rest of me
is going out, out, out

is now.

2006-01-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

I don't need a paper to tell me.
I don't need another two years of

blithe behavior.

I just want a job fulfilling.
I want sweet-smelling bedsheets.
I'll live from rice and a woodstove.
A stack of books waist high.
A baseball bat for when worried.
Tea leaves, long sleeves
and acres of trees.

A notebook
to trap
a head full
of memories
I don't
necessarily
remember.

A lover to feed me
wasabi peas.
A chest for a pillow.
Heartbeats to
put me to sleep.
Bingo on Thursdays.
Heavy boots to
climb the forest.

I'd leave the
anti-biotics out of my mouth
and I'd take 'em out of yours too.

Marketing dictates
packaging.
I'd shut off the
future until it
realizes that it was
just as bad
as the past.

Sold my new face / Found my true mind

2006-01-16T20:23:00.000-08:00

Now is on
It's on for a
little while at
least

That is until
turned off
beat up in
the street
and grasping
at the remains
of a nose

This line's drawn
Money sustains
survivability
in this
modern market

Brainless spaces
An auction
for a face

So what if I leave
with avarice?

Next time,
no love will be
pushed out
to water
no love will be
buried at sea

My star is
at its nadir

My star is
on leave

Be Transplanted (be water, my friend)

2006-01-14T23:24:00.000-08:00

Safe
water
laying out
in the water
prostrate
and reaching
for him

all
god
damn
day

Bright
tomato red
peeling off
old sheets
of skin
from every
part of me

Enough skin
to build
a new man
a taller
man with
better speed
a man with
resolve
and green
green eyes

at first
a corpse then
after years
of sleep
he'd know
more about
my past
than me

all
god
damn
day
laying out
in the water
prostrate
and reaching
for him
but he
would never
rescue
me

All flesh is made to be eaten.

2006-01-13T23:24:00.000-08:00

"Tequila soaked brain.
When the sleep comes
it brings in weird dreams."

This time I'm animal
or deer
My face cemented
to a small stag
and smiling
or scared
or equally
complacent
to your shotgun

I'll be dinner for days
Maybe even a week
but I've been thin
these past few months

So
Remove this skin
for a pelt to stay warm
when you think of this face
stare at your fire
and dance
some weird howling dervish
dizzy gypsy kid

As you wait
to meet
the meat
that keeps your mouth warm
I'm stocks, stews, gravies
a brisket
a roast
a stuffed head
on the wall
to scare children
at night

Take what you want,
to live through
these storms

Take what you need,
leave the rest
in the snow

Track-6 Is For Sinners

2006-01-12T23:46:00.000-08:00

Stained backseat
waiting just for me

Strange bedroom
waiting just for me

Slow posing
waiting just for me

Back arching
waiting just for me
at the end of the street
flicking the lights
on and off
just so I know
it's him

Remembering
that the train is
still on time
I'm fighting my
watch just to
check the time
and tugging down my
jeans just to
catch an eye

Lane 7 personnel
smiling
with track 6
boarding

Industrial runners
Dread and chains
of other sinners
with crispy skin
from saliva
on the cheek

All of this
sick
endless blue circle
where I'm fighting
bad karma
and still driving
a past life
that is driving
this life
into a front-on
collision

Or this life
on this night
the train jumps
the ice
and I'm back
underwater
with all my
ex-lovers
drowning
obliging
with my mouth
on the spigot
to the sea

Strange angles
to the circle

Blue circle
waiting just for me

Blue circle
going right through me

A Promise I'm Keeping Without Knowledge of Theme or Reason (but hymn-like hmm...)

2006-01-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

Want is a luxury
I've been bragging about
so frequently
between cigarettes
I find myself talking
or at least mouthing
the words to the song

'Cause everyone
mouths the words
to the song
but no one wants
to sing along

Low gut lullaby:
Wade is a luxury I don't have.

The promise I keep singing:
I won't forget the forest
I won't forget the woods
I won't forget to shut my mouth
and just play cool

I won't forget the forest
I won't forget the woods
I won't forget to shut my mouth
and just play cool

I won't forget the forest
I won't forget the woods
I won't forget to
shut my fucking mouth
and just be good

"I tell you what!" [I'm not in my right mind and this phrase is on repeat.]

2006-01-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

I can't believe
what happened
asshole
when you opened
you're stink-hole
of a mouth!

Speak to me
pure Missourian
Tell me the absolute
truth!

As if I want to
really know
how you think
you perfectly
ignorant
son
of
a
bitch!

And this is true:
"I tell you what,
I tell you what,
I tell you what.
I wish them
Muslims
would blow up
them faggots
and leave us
alone."

Thank you
motherfucker
for cementing
this ancient
flyover state
and trapping
that literal shit
in my brain
forever.

God damn
motherfuckers.
Poison the
water
and keep you
swimming.

The neon lights have ruined me <5yr gradu'versary>

2006-01-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

Desperate days
and disbelief
Called all my friends
I'll tie
these old ghosts
to me
How is this the debt
such evil scene
So why???

Drink the scotch
and
try
to
breath
Ask all the ghosts
what they know
about me
Ask what
they heard
And ask what
they've seen
So Why???

Half divorced
and others
to be
All off
to get married
with dreams
they'll leave
Don't care
about your children
aborted smears
on the seat
SO WHY???

'Got this
new life.
'Got this
new life ghosts.
New life.
Get away
from me.

'Got this
new life.
'Got this
new life ghosts.
New life.
Get away
from me please.

Extra-Sensory Deprivation

2006-01-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

He brought me flowers
for my birthday
tulips, specific
and I laughed
not knowing
what to say

So, lips
my mouth in motion
making it easy
not to say
anything

Numb senses
added interstate traffic
and another
slow valley
behind us
and another
parking lot
make-out session

Then
of course
words come out
"I never expected
flowers until
my funeral."

Laughing at me.
"I'll have to
remember that."

Some memory
of myself
spreading my
own ashes
with similarly
cold hands.

Memories all in wrong places.

2005-12-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

Slow highway drive
for the first full day
together alone
with a fresh kisser

Strobing highway dashes
and I'm reading
prurient passages
from the epileptic lights

Wanting to watch me
in the shower
masturbate
nervous
don't want to reveal
I fuck myself better
than most others can
(no repercussions)

First girl kissed
conscious
Chinese
and when the Japanese
girl caught us
I felt dirty
(I'll never ruin these
lips again Mari, promise)

No electricity
fucking like mad
whimpering
menstruating
gold star missing now
my face smeared red
and I came on the duvet
hard fist
TO THE FUCKING CHEST
because
I WAS FUCKING WARNED

Waking up tied-up
blindfolded
vibrating
amazing claustrophobia
and I've shut off
but you're turned on
TV shut off
TV turned on
Don't you like this?
I think I pass out.

Don't do these memories
again
This one's still new
and naive
Time-lapsing
Memory smeared
from
Antibiotics
with hands warmed
from new hands
finally

Free Hole Dilemma.

2005-12-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

Oh my son you were
born to live

Guess what I'm about to fuck up?
Guess this face will work on two levels
this left look
vs.
this right look,
the good side liar
and beauty in my soul.
Pretty eager,
how easy to study war.

Oh my son you were
born to live.

Super Tuesday.
Why not try?

New Government.
Keeping my mouth open.
Taking in the piano fingers.
The ears hate the eyes.
Sweat so much clings like
piss-wet sheets.

Cross-managing the whole
goddamn,
how easy to study this war.

Oh my son you were
born to live.

For my sake
why not wake-up
alive?

Real Life: Menstruation

2005-12-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

1am.
Still thinking about menstruation.
The fast track
to homemade stew.

Does she cup the blood
like she cups the cramps?
Does she cup the blood
like men cup the balls
sometimes too hard
just to know the texture
of a working product?

Flash memory of a clot.
Wondering why my paper-cuts
still bleed.
Envious lunar connections and Kool-Aid.

Smart pride with an ocean
of red. red. red.

Advocating the Invocation of a Man That Once Was Me

2005-12-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

My turn.
My turn at the knife-play
and I've seen the headstone
just outside town.

He telephones me up to tell me
that there's a body there
who remembers me.
Tarot kiting.
Freak occurrence says,
"Son, you've been here
before."

No nerves.
He got what he deserved
just as much as I will
when I'm finally in
that universal house.
Circular mosaic.
My ancient brainache
telling me a secret.

The secret: no sheets.
I'll write my own story.
Saying it again
reformulates the repetition.
Take up deep mouthfuls of
lust and air.

So, I let it go.
I'll never change these sheets.
The box is the home.
Creepy speakeasy.
An exit from the head.

Telling the
tarot king
to bring me
back again.

Me in a meadow
holding a ticket
for a receipt
to get back
my faded hands.

Goddamn year's almost over.

2005-11-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

Spent the day talking to one of my best friends.
She's waiting for that flight to the west coast.
It's almost December.
One more month 'til my birthday.

Thinking of drinking with my new man.
But he's got a problem.
He's working on the future.
While I'm stuck just slaving away.

Oh maybe I should spend more time with myself.
A waste of this life on somebody else.
And now,
I'm trying to get on track again.

Thank you Paul Simon, I just smiled at Kodachrome.
Alone in my boxers.
And now it's all crackles.
Can't ever play that record again.

Oh maybe I'm tired and should go to sleep.
But lately I'm aching for a brand new scene.
And now.
There's not much left to defend.

Just like this life lost and unmentioned.
Check for me driving.
Head first to the wind.
Look at me waving.
What the hell was I thinking?

He acts so scared to know I'm alive.
Slow laughs to the pressure on his front side.
Oh my god.
This life will happen again.

I just know it.
This life will happen again.

Never kissed a tall man...

2005-11-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

I'm drunk
and driving
with one eye open
because complete vision
makes it impossible to drive
but your ramblings
are fantastic babe

Re-occurring dream
you're telling me
about a re-occurring dream
where you have magical
abilities
and reality is suddenly
fantastic (important?)

Fast-forward
two days later
and the cologne smell
from your jacket
still shows up
very briefly
with the windows open
and driving 60

My daydream
is now re-occurring

I'm meeting you
and eating a razor blade
Naked kissing
on a white bedset
Choking and coughing
up blood
on you
in you

Stringy and sweet

Collapsed
mouth open in a puddle
Screaming sounds
replaced with
airline traffic

My answer to the thought?
I've never kissed a tall man
as far as I know

I had never kissed a tall man
sober

Until now

Some day you shall beat me down with those hands.

2005-11-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

I should like to know what it feels like!
Face down to the concrete
and seeing the smiles in the sweat.
Press down with the back of your forearm.
Press down with your pelvis over my mid-back.

I got the message from the messages being displayed
on the television portraying news and old memories.
The blindfold is slacked.
I can see the darkness
and my mouth puts it out.
Cold and dry.

We're all going to hell.
Sing me a song
while I'm working on the diveboard.
I hit the curb.
Hard.
I hit the bedspread.
Hard.
I hit the gurney.

hard

Modes of life of the monster in various environments

2005-11-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

Because I don't have something to pre-occupy me now.
Because I don't have someone to pre-occupy me now.
I reach out
shake hands with myself.

Rewind the river back to the we that I should be.
By now... staged meme.
How then to look?
So my journey is value.
This self the discount.
Home sentence (body_).
He's tall on the tower (_soul).

Here it is: my proxy.
Without. Without. Without.
Smiling,
I remind myself,
we don't have to be friends.

Lemmie see an energetic resignation.

2005-11-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

Slang won't work.
The song has already been made.
Quiet mob changing.
Rules of equivalency.
Do I have to care?
It's just the TV trying to be more than
imagery.
Hollywood actors fulfilling their lives as
props.
Folding chair governors.
Slight clap.
Fascist dance.
Funny how we were just this way
in the recent past.
onscreen / offscreen
Man, you're fucking hard to kill.

Ongoing epilogue

2005-11-06T21:02:00.000-08:00

Swing you sinners from my arms, thighs, and legs. Burrow down meaty miles of Midwestern soil aching for bleached hair and denim. This is the end. Last show cigar fucking ex-comedian's. HAHA! I know I'm the last, best hopeful. Sleep easy with drowsy words slipping across the bedspread. No movement. Slow movement. Lost to blinking. My body or a new host. Not hope. Excommunicate and differentiate all lying eyes 'cause I saw smiles across the forest. Pond lights and lightning heavy blankets over the area. Transcend, acorns, and stereotypes. What else to do? I ate the food and called the suicides mediocre pageants. How else for magic to happen? What other ridicule and carpeting? Lazy eyes. Lazy eyes can't hold up to the night sky. If I can't find the bed then I'll make it to the floor. Technophobe, homophobe, baby's fucking a wall socket. Might I ever be this empowered? Have I swallowed through all these years? I take a shit and relax. Slow comatose. Oh, wait, results may vary. Bottom line checked sign telling some passer-by what the hours can mean. Even if the meaning is skewed OBVIOUSLY. Fakebook. Trauma. How else? Blankets. Strong blankets of time and ridicule. Where else but Earth? And, it's not my fault, I know. I've been here and with them. I've found the cult and founded the destruction. Join the mirrors. Spring, spring will break. Fall, fall will take. Two years since the last known fall and this one seems similar. If memory proves correct. If memory is correct. If melon and sloe gin work well in the marketplace. Sell it off. Shelves for arms and my mouth the bird nest. Be the tree for centuries until my children cut me down. Burn my acres. Lay me up live-wired with strings of LED's and over-priced ornamentals. I would kill for that movement. Stumbler. I can't live much longer. Not at this rate. Nominal destructive activities. I'ma gonna work away this death sentence. Finger for finger. Until I can afford to buy back my hands.

I'd drink that if I were you.

2005-10-30T01:31:00.000-08:00

Slapped on the ass
too many times to count
these chaps
chafing and boots
scraping my shins.

"It's a shame
you don't like pussy
'cause the pussy
and you would get along."
Sniffling amazon geisha post tea infused
drunken ramblings on my knee.

This punch.
Thus not drunk but,
wishing for it.
So most intoxication.
The clock moving backward
one hour yet I'm still not asleep.
Halaweeeeeen.
Halaweeeeeen!!!

Bryon yelling.
Drunk yelling
"FAGGOT!"
yelling and shirtless chaps
running down the staircase.

Suckerpunch drunk stutter
calling the cops and statements.

Sucking my nipple, right nipple
and giggling.

I made the playlist.
"We can dance together."
"No orgies this Saturday."
Please.

The system which grants all desires.

2005-10-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

People have numbers,
things have letters.

The assembly line goes counterclockwise,
starting with person 1.
___
1 | | FFFF
AAAA | |
BBBB | | 7
2 | | EEEE
3 | |D6
CCCC |___| 5
4

A: USB connectors?
B:Â ?
C: power supply units
D:Â ?
E: front panels (in grey plastic boxes)
F: mainboards (for person 1)

1: fit mainboard, fit USB connectors?
2:Â ?
3: fit motherboard screws, add PSU?
4: add power/eject logic?
5: fit screws, attaching DVD power cable (board, PSU, USB already in place)
6: fit front panel
7: hand front panels to 6?

Thank you for the notification.

Son,
don't do this the rest of your life.
Son,
don't do this the rest of your life.

Father,
when the parasite appears I'll slice it up.
I'll take it out.
I'll slice it up.

Corporate motto:
Loyalty.

I'm talking, caffeinated // drugs

2005-09-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

10:59:40 AM wonderprojectj: Zipper twin!
10:59:48 AM nanabot42: awha?
10:59:55 AM wonderprojectj: I dunno.
11:00:01 AM wonderprojectj: Coffee.
11:00:06 AM nanabot42: lol
Carbohydrate Cognoscenti closed the conversation window. (11:01:06 AM)
11:01:13 AM nanabot42: so...
11:01:18 AM wonderprojectj: Yeah...
11:01:38 AM wonderprojectj: On assignment, huh?
11:01:51 AM nanabot42: what?
11:02:09 AM wonderprojectj: Pantsless freedom at that?
11:02:23 AM nanabot42: ok
11:02:32 AM wonderprojectj: I'm not making much sense.
11:02:36 AM wonderprojectj: God bless caffeine.
11:02:43 AM nanabot42: i know
11:03:09 AM wonderprojectj: Okay,
11:03:15 AM wonderprojectj: DEEP BREATHING MOTHERFUCKERS!
11:03:20 AM wonderprojectj: *in*
11:03:22 AM wonderprojectj: /out
11:03:26 AM wonderprojectj: *ahhhhhhh*
11:03:30 AM nanabot42: lol
11:03:33 AM nanabot42: crazu
11:03:38 AM nanabot42: crazy
11:03:57 AM nanabot42: so, you listen to the rasputina yet?
11:04:04 AM wonderprojectj: Fuck, no, I haven't...
11:04:08 AM nanabot42: uh
11:04:22 AM nanabot42: there are a couple of really good covers on it
11:04:34 AM wonderprojectj: All I've been listening to are The Constantines, The Hidden Cameras, and Giant Drag's full length...
11:04:40 AM wonderprojectj: Giant Drag is so fucking good...
11:04:42 AM wonderprojectj: so good...
11:04:53 AM wonderprojectj: so very, very good...
11:05:01 AM nanabot42: ok
11:05:13 AM wonderprojectj: You don't have it yet... I just picked it up a couple of days ago.
11:05:47 AM wonderprojectj: Oh, and this book is fucking brilliant: http://craphound.com/down/
11:06:41 AM nanabot42: ok
11:06:55 AM wonderprojectj: It really is.
11:07:00 AM wonderprojectj: Stan will know what I'm talking about.
11:07:08 AM nanabot42: sure he will
11:07:29 AM wonderprojectj: You might just have to punch him really hard in the gut for him to figure it out though.
11:07:46 AM nanabot42: um ok
11:08:01 AM nanabot42: give me a minute or two, i have to take an online quiz for a class
11:08:11 AM wonderprojectj: I know your type, lady.
11:08:19 AM wonderprojectj: Always with the questions.
11:08:22 AM nanabot42: lol
11:08:29 AM nanabot42: alright, well i have to do good on this
11:08:37 AM wonderprojectj: So, cheat then.
Carbohydrate Cognoscenti closed the conversation window. (11:09:38 AM)
11:10:08 AM nanabot42: how so
11:10:09 AM wonderprojectj: This is a really good conversation.
11:10:25 AM wonderprojectj: I'm both surprised and impressed by it.
11:10:44 AM wonderprojectj: Not many of them go this well.
11:10:50 AM nanabot42: what?
11:10:56 AM wonderprojectj: How long have you been talking like this?
11:11:31 AM wonderprojectj: Never mind.
11:11:36 AM wonderprojectj: How'd the quiz go?
11:12:02 AM nanabot42: 3 out of 5
11:12:11 AM wonderprojectj: Oh, lowballing it?
11:12:20 AM nanabot42: well you were distracting me
11:12:38 AM wonderprojectj: *shrugs*
11:13:16 AM nanabot42: what do you mean with the talking jazz?
11:13:36 AM wonderprojectj: I don't know. I'm just kinda blinky.
11:13:43 AM nanabot42: lol
11:14:13 AM wonderprojectj: I think my vitamins and minerals are giving me strange rushes.
11:14:21 AM wonderprojectj: Well, that combined with the coffee.
11:14:30 AM nanabot42: lol
11:14:40 AM wonderprojectj: And the rock.
11:14:42 AM wonderprojectj: God the rock.
11:15:02 AM nanabot42: drugs are bad wade
11:15:09 AM wonderprojectj: They're not bad drugs.
11:15:12 AM wonderprojectj: Illegal drugs.
11:15:16 AM wonderprojectj: Narcotics.
11:15:33 AM wonderprojectj: I'm no deviant!
Carbohydrate Cognoscenti closed the conversation window. (11:16:33 AM)
11:16:35 AM nanabot42: lol
11:16:36 AM nanabot42: ok
11:17:02 AM wonderprojectj: I don't like accusations.
11:17:08 AM wonderprojectj: Blind ones at that.
11:17:26 AM wonderprojectj: So, thinking about quitting yet?
11:17:39 AM wonderprojectj: Smokeface.
11:17:47 AM nanabot42: what?
11:17:54 AM wonderprojectj: Smoker, smoker.
11:18:00 AM nanabot42: lol
11:18:02 AM nanabot42: yeah, so
11:18:15 AM wonderprojectj: quitting?
11:18:17 AM wonderprojectj: stopping?
11:18:22 AM wonderprojectj: slowing down?
11:18:33 AM nanabot42: no
11:18:38 AM nanabot42: have you
11:18:47 AM wonderprojectj: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
11:19:22 AM wonderprojectj: YOU'RE INSANE
11:19:35 AM nanabot42: me?
11:19:42 AM wonderprojectj: No, me.
11:19:50 AM nanabot42: ok
11:19:56 AM wonderprojectj: Yeah...
11:20:28 AM wonderprojectj: What are you going to do today?
11:20:43 AM nanabot42: study and go to class
11:20:50 AM wonderprojectj: Oh, that stuff.
11:21:00 AM wonderprojectj: Don't do anything too exciting.
11:21:07 AM wonderprojectj: Maybe incite a riot or something?
11:21:10 AM wonderprojectj: What's the class?
11:21:30 AM nanabot42: well i have to go to med 120 lab and then films
11:21:39 AM wonderprojectj: I've got 3:40 left to talk.
11:21:58 AM nanabot42: until?
11:22:02 AM wonderprojectj: I leave.
11:22:07 AM nanabot42: for
11:22:13 AM wonderprojectj: Everywhere.
11:22:16 AM nanabot42: ok
11:22:33 AM wonderprojectj: 'Gotta go somewhere, right?
11:22:44 AM nanabot42: ok
11:22:47 AM wonderprojectj: ok
11:23:01 AM wonderprojectj: Let's all agree.
11:23:14 AM nanabot42: fine
11:23:30 AM wonderprojectj: Agreed.
11:23:34 AM wonderprojectj: I may blog this later.
11:23:41 AM wonderprojectj: This talk makes no fucking sense.
11:23:50 AM nanabot42: yeah i k now
11:23:58 AM wonderprojectj: You should feel honored.
11:24:20 AM nanabot42: i'm overjoyed
11:24:37 AM wonderprojectj: I'll build you a pedestal.
11:24:44 AM nanabot42: ok
11:24:53 AM wonderprojectj: You want a plaque with that?
11:24:56 AM wonderprojectj: Okay, over.
11:25:04 AM nanabot42: sure
11:25:22 AM wonderprojectj: Outie.
11:25:27 AM nanabot42: ok
11:25:45 AM wonderproject: I'ma get more coffee and goodbye!

Strings come from the mouth.

2005-09-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Get paid to talk on telephones.
When one rings.
Ears ringing as well.
"Was saved her...?"
Only made out in the office roar.
Profit margin's sinking.
"You've got a little something..."
Pushing hair back to cover the recession.
Mock doodles and cardioids.
"Lunch time."
Date rape.
Climax.
Suicides.

We need a hand with the trigger.
"I need a part of my halo."
I need back on my leash.
Use remote at any time to change station.

We'll be gone.
"At least for a week or two."
*BEEP*
"Leave a message."
Extra casings around the tires.
Teenage shotgun against the car.
"Sorry for the plague."
That's spelled:
D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R
"It's not an acronym."
"Well, what's it mean?"
"It's the heart."
Finger denotes placement.
"It's the head."
Barrel denotes location.

Modern Erotic Anxiety (Love You More)

2005-09-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

"Leave the lights on."
Last time they were off.
"We both almost died."
I was shouting so loud the cops drove by.
Blindfolded in my sleep.
"This has been done before."
Mute the TV and holding me.
It's no longer want.
"It's now need."

Bareback.
I would love you more.
I would love you more.

Bareback.
I would love you more.
I would love you more.

"City-wide blackout."
Last time this happened.
"It was so good we died."
I was shaking and you cracked my jaw.
Split bloodied lip and kissing.
"My want is not the same."
Erect silhouettes on the ceiling.
I've got problems with trust.
"I've got issues with need."

Bareback.
I would love you more.
I would love you more.

Bareback.
I would love you more.
I would love you more.

Grok to live: The Fax Machine

2005-09-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Echo.
"Echo like you don't know."
What we've been through.
"And what you're doing to me."
Envy bags or dark circles under the eyes.
"Don't you mean the fax machine?"
"Don't you mean the tide?"
Tray 2: paper jam.
"Feed, feed for fucks sake."
My stomach growls.
Dialing.
Dialing.
Dialing.
"Now we have something in common."
Connecting.
Sent.
"Now I hate you again."
How long does it take to connect?

Real being: self-defense

2005-09-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

Honey.
"You are safe (not now)."
Happy little nightstick.
"I've lost my accent."
"But that's just movement."
For relationships.
Now I'm remembering.
The lips.
"Help me help you."
My house down the road.

"Like the wars and for them."
Sing me something.
"So that I can sleep tonight."
Help me help me.
Sing me something Stuart.
"I make too much noise."
Loud corduroys and everyone's asleep.
Do this once.
"Do this once, for me."
You cut me in, I cut you out.
"I cut you in."
YOU CUT ME OUT.

Some merry-go-round music.

2005-09-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

"You brought me batteries and whiskey?"
No more reasons to decide.
"I'll take them both."
Smile, it all runs to the mouth.
My legs we dance in stereo.
"Time is running out."

"Is it once, just again?"
"Or is most of the time?"
My hands all full of movement.
Your taste like dry red wine.
"Is it memories or movies?"
I remember them the same.

"It's like the elements of good addiction."
Naked spirit touching.
"And a mind all full of rhymes."
Smile, it runs to the mouth.
Mumbles, and memories.
"These hands shall guide me south."

"Is it once, just again?"
"Or is it most of the time?"
My hands all full of panty-hose.
Your smell like old wood pine.
"Is it lovers or letters?"
I remember just the same.

"Is it once, just again?"
"Or is it most of the time?"
My hands all full of pictures.
This light will drive me blind.
"Is it rivers or streams?"
I remember them the same.

We turn September off.
We turned October off.
We turn November off.
We turned December off.
I remember just the same.

Exchangeable parts.

2005-09-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

Loneliness is a single masochist.
"And I end each day with a shower."
"Crouched down staring at the drain."
I'm beat up.
"Well... this sucks."
You'll get over it.
"Yeah, I suppose."
"Don't do it."
Don't fall for it.
The water's running cold.
"It's collecting up."
Using arms to channel water.
Fleshy little aqueducts.
Then asleep.
"Freezing and pickled."
"No more fog in the mirror."
Sometimes a face.
"Yet there is still this strong smell of me in there."
Fast shivers.
Fishing things from the drain.

Last hike at the murdermile.

2005-09-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

"You can light your smoke off the old one."
Cherry hits the pavement.
Gathering flares of embers.
"No road."
Curved gravel - a big ditch.
"There's this blank of three years."
"The recent three?"
Head shaking.
Hand signals.
Switchblade canaries up in the trees.
"And every time there's a full moon rising."
I can see what is really going on.
"And every time there's a full moon rising."
I go to sleep alone.
"I go to sleep alone."
"Yeah, clicked in the heart."
Small slips.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
"Click."

Me, them, a bottle of fives for charity

2005-09-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

We've brushed up in corners.
"Duck."
Duck down.
Men grasping cameras.
And corners.
"The night's begun."
One liter of wine.
One liter of cork.
One-hundred-thousand gallons.
"Begun."
Running, quicker to find seating.
"Don't say it now."
Mumbles in the theater.
Photo of a vagrant.
Pounds of gold 'round his neck.
"Begun."
One rash nightstick.
Incapacitated legs.
Shadows crawling for bread.
"Run..."
Donation banquet.
Ugly dresses and cummerbunds.
"Haven't seen 'em yet."
Panic lasting days.
Big war on terror lasting years.
"We've got the dead from the flood."
Applause and shush!
Proclamation banquet.
Subscribing martyrs.
Whispers.
"There's drowning in the rivers."
Powerpoint spreadsheet.
Donation campaign.
"Begun."
Re-election fame.
Calling the people.
"'Cause God did us good."
My elected.
Stained water.
Singin' hymn's on the pyres.
Mama's cryin'.
"Begun."

Mutual Architecture |slough timber|

2005-09-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

"You're beautiful."
And you match the couch.
Working on your fingermeat.
"Taken over by fingerprints."
Bring your beautiful scars.
"Bring them back to me, baby."
Hands making knots in the back fabric.
My hands drawing constellations.
"I've found Orion on your backside."
Craters on the thighs where they took muscle.
Middle of the night shift / twist.
"Honest for at least a minute."
"Sometimes I wonder what's in this house."
Pretty little house.
"Wonder what's going on in here?"
Standing toward the door.
Big dramatic exit.
"You don't have to leave."
"To say goodbye."

Someone decides they're special (drunk you fuck / important saints or anomalies)

2005-09-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

"I didn't really mean to."
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"You make it stop completely."
"Touch, touch, touch, touch."
"Let's see what Tom thinks of them."
We have to remember.
No, we have to remember.
"And, scared."
"We moved slowly."
I should disappear.
"Let's think congruent."
As if time moved fluently.
"I dreamed I was a human."
And we thought indifferently.
I love you.
"I love you."
I want.
"You, oh!"

"She died, he died, the whole family is lost."
I'm buzzing, mumbling.
"No more mysteries."
"You're most likely to succeed."
Never mentioned but, an anomaly.
"My best parts are all trapped in a mystery."
Oh, do I.
Do I not care?
Oh fuck me.
"And name me, baby."
Eat the margins.
"Eat the tragedy!"
"OH!"

Black Eyes=Blue Arrows

2005-09-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

"I tried to love the night."
And trapped inside.
All trapped inside.
"My house so dark."
"My house so dark in the moonlight."
Oh, just follow those black eyes outside.

"So, who's going to save me?"
"No, not my baby."
He's drunk again.
"He's fuckin' all my friends."

"I figured I'd like the light."
And kept inside.
All kept inside.
"You go where?"
"You go where I want you to."
Oh, just follow them blue arrows outside.

"So, who's going to save me?"
"No, not my baby."
He's drunk again.
"He's fuckin' my best friend."

"Love on a leash."
You lead me around.
You lead me around.
"Around, around."

September to hit this Summer, oh September to hit this Summer, ohSeptember to hit this Summer, ohSeptember to hit this Summer, oh...

2005-09-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

"Get up from the TV."
Soft sounds from the speakers below.
"I just want to see it."
Streamlined banners of infoporn.
"Close observation and witnesses calling."
Liars calling.
The levee broke and brush spilled out.
"This will all be on later."

Them heavy footprints under the trees.
"I think I've become someone's future."
Them heavy footprints connecting to feet.
Another decade won't take much longer.
Them heavy footprints connecting to me.
"How long have I been this old?"
Rain keeps falling.
"Water's filling up the yard."
And the soil runs clear.

Tiki-lamps releasing oily rainbow shine.
Rigid, limping grandma's.
Sun softened Wal-Mart bag balls.
Faded chunks of pavement.
Used girls hair and dirt clumps.
Signed grade-school photographs.
Instructional Christian assault pamphlets.
"Slow rolls down the parkway."

"I like my neighborhood."
Water collecting in the street.
"Say something honest in the rain."
"Let's not save the world."
We need to learn not to hope.

Oh, we need to learn not to hope.

Trapnest.

2005-08-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Smoking and choking.
"I've missed you and loved you"
"Is it true you were the expiration date?"
"Even with the broken pieces."
Shatter.
Splinter.
Fracture.

We can be friends.
"Drinking from that promised place."
I pick up a mess of bottles.
"The alarm will sound."

Another late night without life.
"The alarm will sound."

recreational extortionists [the^2]

2005-08-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

I've had enough time for the receptionist
Enjoy the rough composite of the lips, lips, lips
Drinking from the toilet
We work in shifts
On and off late '90's style test sheets

I speak English with my mouth hanging open
Chew up the participles and slide out the subjects
Mmmm... take my time with your corollaries
Oh... make me answer your questions

Timing is everything when you lay out your clothes
The skilled preparing for an early morning
Market the day to me
Caffeinated and cranky
I'd drag your ass down my miracle mile

I breathe heavy with your mouth hanging open
Chew up the tongue and slide out the whispers
Mmmm... take my time with your mandibles
Oh... make me answer your questions

Lifetabs.

2005-08-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Mr. Ambulance Driver,
shake hands and play nice
with Mr. Ambulance Chaser
Unlike you and him,
I'm not going to live forever

One get's the blood.
One get's the body.
And I'm not going to live forever.

So I'll drop over the table
Clench a fistfull of quarters
and drop 'em in the cup
Bring hell some water
Oh this thirst is getting thicker

One get's the legs.
One get the hands.
And this thirst is getting thicker.

The devil is the bottom
and I'm straight from hell.

Home: "Hides Everything"

2005-08-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

"Fly me a kite from the hill to the living room."
And up, charting the cloud patterns.
Distancing the string with concern for wind and volume.
"Don't let it hit the trees."
Trees scheming little fires for the rice paper.
Rice paper wondering when the fight started.
"Crickets and locusts."
"That one's a keeper."
Snagging handfuls of exoskeletons.
"Kiting up the wind we're all in."
T-shirt full of old bodies.
Mouthfulls of thick, moist oxygen.
Ozone depletion.
Sun grated skin.
String wrapped around an electric pole.

"If you let go we'll never see it again."
If I let go it may have a chance.

Able body for de-personification

2005-08-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Exiled in the land of cool haircuts
with the girl that know nothing but movies.
And the boys discussing grooving
on some hip new replacement
to an already reliable album career.

Tagging dirty lines on the turnstiles
taking pictures of the bathhouses
and playing disguise me as something
wild.

Fake and safe.
Mutually independent.

Blurred circles over the #### water.

2005-08-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

"What do you do when it's all around you?"
No lights.
"Just dive and breathe in deep."
"No stars."
Fumbling to strike up another smoke.
Fog rolling in up off the water.
"In fog, exhale fog."
It's never been such a good time to try.
American paper renting the water.
American soul renting the paper.
"Now's a good time to try."

One foot toward the edge of the fall.
One hand holding the wind.
"What will you do when it's all over you?"
In fog, out fog.
There's never a better time.
"Try."

barstool conversation #6 **40yr momma

2005-08-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

She's sucking on her fingers.
"What brought you here tonight?"
Kids, no doubt, and screaming.
"None of your damn business."
"Let the liquor bring the calm in."
'Need a good excuse to leave.
'Leave a good excuse for need.

Smiles, lingers at the tips.
Big lips slip down from the nose.
Coy words and tequila mumbles.
It's like talking to a burlap sack.
"Skins loose, brown, painted like a cake."
"At least I'll be pretty when I die."

We all look pretty in a box, lady.
We all look pretty in a box.

words sung out loud in a car about Lori's situation (circa 2|2005)

2005-08-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

*Wanting
You're alone again.
*Wanting
At least you left the Indian.

The one that you know will hold you.
Even if takes a year to come true.

*Wanting
You're alone again.
*Wanting
At least you left the Indian.

Then there's that big wide west coast.
But is it you she longs for the most.

*Wanting
You're alone again.
*Wanting
At least you left the Indian.

It's never too late for a new start.
Even if it ends up breaking your heart.

Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Turn of drink.

2005-08-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

"What was the game plan?"
"We leave and set the light."
Random infections from the straw.

"Share me with me."
"And come up gasping."
Random infections from the cup.

"Have we always been out of control?"
"You can kill yourself - that's freedom."
Random infections from the floor.

"We just celebrated another year."
"Six more for a good erase."
Random infections.

"Tuck your hands in the cuts."
"Or the slits."

Feeling to cover as much ground as possible.

2005-08-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

"How do you plan to pay for this?"
Dread smells and cigarettes.
Pool-hall sweat, yellowed ceilings, slowed voices.
"Another drink and I'm done."
"Three more it's Tuesday."

Waking up with the highway.
"On your feet."
"Still flying so far?"
The ditch scattered with odd refuse.
Trashbag blankets and crash autopsies.
"We slept through the road sounds?"
"I told you follow me."

Eating tomatoes under the overpass.
Shoulder to shoulder to column.
*Smack, dribble, spit*
Green seeds all over my sleeves.
"I wonder, this taste of exhaust."
Up close the shape of a car and red.
"How long have we been eating?"
"Drinking the soul of these autos?"
Moving faster to grab the last plants from the mortar.

"I've found the fuel."
Let's hit the road.

Milkmate #0

2005-08-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

Heat's rising off the sidewalk.
"Don't drink it all up!"
"This flavor's no good."
Sour smells and old milk in the mouth.
"Huh, what did you say?"
Walking, still walking, still holding.
The volume of smell coming back up the throat.
"You should find this out for yourself."
"Why would I do that?"
"Otherwise you'll never know."

Kissing.
Sharing slow string of saliva.
"Little bits."
"I've made a present for you."
Sticks, rubber band, ribbon.
J U N K

Kissing.
Sharing gummy pieces of lung.
"Little bits."
"I've had a dream of you."
Whiskey, vaulting, phone-tag.
F U C K

Kissing.
Sharing blood - one's missing a tongue.
"Little bits."
Little bits and smiling coyly.
"Little bits."

"I mint slowly."

Kill the past, jump over the edge.

2005-08-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Hey, wait, what's up?"
Sunglasses bobbing, ducking the ministries excess traffic.
Assisting signs now moving with slowing impedance.
"I've got more contructive ways to answer that."
"Oh, howso."
Now cue small gut-rumbles.
Now cue fulfilling foreshadowing.

"I've got more digits than I'll ever use."
Punch, punch *1**2**3**4*
Hardwired -> transaction is complete.

"Can't you stick up for yourself?"
"In a dream once, I was someone else."
"Were you a friend?"
"More like solid, loved, responsible."
Twenty seconds more with/without brick faces.
Shifting eyes between eyes and pavement.
Tourists, amphetamines, and breathing.

"And I wanted myself more than myself."
"And I talked myself in love with myself."
"And I drank myself to bed again."
"And I fucked myself out of sobriety again."
"And I cried myself to kill for myself."
"And I left myself saying we should be friends."

LAST SECOND NOW.
"I've got this catalog of prophecies."
See: rented book from library.
Hand gesturing down with face down to concrete.

FUCKING LAST SECOND.
Hands now, interlocked with new found duplicate.
All detonator pins and ridiculous yelling.
"We have to jump over the edge."
"Right turn?"
"Maybe."

LET GO.
"Now?"
"Maybe."

+break me down+ lay me up against this fragment

2005-08-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

We are the junk childern.
"That's what we know."
The action fantastic.
"About and hour - two hours."
They've got big knives.

Counting in and out again.
"Breathe with me harder."
Filtered light from both sides.
"It's all dirt when the light hits it."
Think of the beached whales.
Think of the old lighters.
Think of the lonely baby seals.
Think of us as new fossils.
"About and hour - 54 minutes."
"Some other day, some other day."
"Can't we park this?"
I know.

"Some other time."

Insert: new revenue

"Come on, I'm sorry."
Still shivering and getting warm.
"I can kiss it."
And the car leans.
"Can we find it at the same speed?"
"What we need are flashing lights."
"Taste the good garbage."
It's in the back of the throat.

Output: old aggregate

You can't be seen out that door.
"The buzzer is going off."
And suddenly I'm fine, dry powder.
"Start thinking about yourself."
"After the fingerprints catch up?"
"Only in the afternoon."

Recended: We must have woken up.
Recended: "NOW NOW NOW."

*****Big hint::we are re-usable.

Natural Afterparts //sleepunishment//

2005-08-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

'Got used to the news that I am slowly becoming broke and decidedly responded to the remarks I left for myself to be more frugal with laughter and credit checks. For those who didn't know (present party included) I lived in Sioux Falls, SD for the better part of 2002 and 2003. I can only imagine how much fun that adventure was.

I wonder how much fun that adventure was?

It's (*Scene 1: getting to the point that I've submitted) so many resumes I'm afraid I'll end up latching onto the first offer.

"I hate this job."
I had to take the job -- there was no other choice.
"Can we hook these wires back up?"
"Why, does it really matter?"
This is never finished in time.
"But they touch at night sometimes, don't they?"
The night goes on.
The light goes off.
"Let's just not talk."
Let's just not talk.
"We were tangent at most points."
"I hate this job."

We are tangent at a point, SD.
Hehe, be my little asymptote.

------------------------------------------

*Scene 2: this may destroy data

"We have to work together."
This state is all over the place.

------------------------------------------

*Scene 3: original personality

We have to work together.

"To destroy eachother."
That's a great decaying noise.
"Come on, hold my hand again?"
"We have to get back home."

------------------------------------------

*S0000 0: hand0head0arms0face0replace1

To destroy eachother.

I was a drinkI was dreamWe were like pornoThen I wake up

2005-08-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've been having these weird little shifts happening again.

Shifts?

Shifts as in I'm remembering something that I don't feel actually happened, or rather, it may or may not have happened how I remember it. Which, in turn, makes for some tasty shake-n-bake recollecting. I don't dream necessarily, though, I've been told repeatedly that I do and I simply forget when I wake up. Well, how does one go about forgetting every night for 6+ months at a time? It definitely makes the sleep deprived days stranger than they should be, and yet, it makes the similar days grossly similar. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that my obvious lack of a dreamlife is fucking up my waking life.

How else could I get this far out of my head?

Porno. Testament.

2005-08-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

Something dawned on me this evening as I was browsing the internet... I wonder how many hours/days I've wasted observing/searching for porn?

What's really disconcerting is how it can become routine. Once you've gathered your sources then it's just a matter of how frequently you need a fix. Even worse, once you identify the specifics of your taste you can speed through the overwhelming links to exactly what you want.

Goddamn, I guess this makes me a professional. *sigh*

Fuck [me, fuck] Germany

2005-07-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

Germany = *thumbs down*.

Then again, if I were only there for, say, 5 days it would be tremendous fun. The evening of that fifth day you'll be sitting there getting shit faced once again saying, "Christ on crutches! Isn't there anything else to do other than drink?!?"

The answer, of course, is no, there really isn't.
But, by that time you're already feeling it and you really don't care anymore.
The next day will work out the same, and so on, and so forth.

For those that want to know the full breadth and depth of my intoxication just ask about the aftereffects of drinking a whole liter of absinthe.

Crazed - *check*
Deranged - *check*
Self-defenestration - *check*

They make whores slowly [my turn, your turn].

2005-07-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

So, from bus conversation yesterday:

I state to a troop who commented on how many days we have left with, "I can honestly only count the days that I have not been drunk. Everything else is just weird movement. I guess I've only been here one day then."

Purchased Heinekin 12 pack for $8 last night, called it my blanket and stayed warm in the rain.

The weekend should start tomorrow and for the final outing everyone is thinking prostitution. Frankfurt is, in total, a 2 hour train ride and the red-light district is adjacent to the station. Exploitation isn't usually my game but, the prices are cheap and, well, me being me, I'm considering the opportunity for obscene photography. I don't want the sex *shudder*, let alone being TOUCHED by one of them (but they're cleaaaaaaaaan a co-worker says), but the photo spread alone would be invaluable.

End up somewhere. Time-travel. Phase distortion.

2005-07-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

Germany was great... for the first week. After everyone runs through the initial excitement of the scenery, the architecture and the travel you're left with nothing but alcohol. That's the way the days seem to boil down. I'm done with work now... 'guess I'll start drinking.

Now, at home that would prove to be an expensive habit but, remember that this is the land of beer. I can pick up a six-pack for less than a six'er of pop. I can only imagine how much time-traveling I would accomplish given alcohol prices like these domestically.

Saturday I traveled to Baden-Baden down by the Black Forest. Ended up just browsing around an absolutely amazing 'Old Timer Convention' (car show). Other than that... 'rode the train for hours... watched some drunk guy passed out on the platform clutching a cheeseburger, trying to throw up...

'Shit. Yesterday was an amazingly slow Sunday. I cracked the first can of beer at 11:45am -- I figured that it was close enough to noon.

The finally ripped them out of her face.

2005-07-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Last night in this hemisphere and all and I'm gathering a small shrine of personal goods around my bed.

They removed Amanda's tonsils this morning and unfortunately she didn't get to keep 'em.

Oh, just imagine the amount of new commercials that'll be available when I return.

Next up: Paris Hilton eating burritos and fucking tequila bottles. TV News anchors prostletizing and attaching themselves to vibrators. Simple Iowa Tiger-Beat models promising ab's, erections, and cell phone coverage. Nationalist anti-terrorism zealots, skinny bitches with hip-hop and big-mac's, computerized Malaysian sneakers, and elderly pill factories for wisdom is swallowed glass after glass.

Hurry Germany.
be good to me

THEME KNIFE ::future cuts::

2005-07-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

There a future coming up soon. Now, I just have to be decisive enough to figure out what it is.

At this point I leave for Germany come Saturday and shouldn't arrive back home until, well, August?? I was looking forward to this for quite a while but, now that it's approaching, I've got mixed feelings. I surmise that I'll just end up working and then baby-sitting drunks. Seems that how things usually go.

When I drink, I drink with purpose *see previous post*. When no true purpose is provided I can cut myself off.

After Germany there's talk about going to S. Korea for a stint. Still, I'm just trying to line myself up with some kind of job. The prospects are slim and, for the most part been narrowed down to working at a correctional facility and driving a truck.

Honestly, the truck driving 'gig seems more interesting. I've always had an itch for an odd non-fiction piece culminating all of the amazingly fantastic stories that truck drivers seem to have. Plus, the job would proactively feed my thirst for highway.

Sip slowly big mouth.

2005-07-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

I don't like the fireworks.

The flaring, strobing lights. The whistling rush through the air. The crunchy impact that reverberates in your body.
So, in an effort to dull the sensation I drank. I had a couple of beer's with Matt and Chantel. I had a couple of pina colada's with Brandy and Gary.

What's truly wonderful is that I'm using alcohol to nullify strong emotion -- I'm fully aware of it. At this rate, Germany should prove to be quite a blur. Then again, most of the past is at this point. :)

"Mary, Mary, Mary we're just like bullets in the end...

2005-07-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

...you lead me in to pull the trigger and we can no longer be friends."

"Oh, Mary, Ah."
"We can no longer be friends."

"Oh, Mary, Ah."
"Call me sometime again."

I have always been a storm.

2005-06-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

Don't know why but, all I've been tuning these ears into lately is Fleetwood Mac.
It's stunning how I'm moving backwards. Or, rather, re-evaluating non-existences.

This face may be weathered more than another version but, the face is the same none-the-less.
Yet, the prospective 'existence' is not necessarily communal. You cannot hold hands with yourself. All I can do is hope is that the end product (mark now on the timeline) is a proper culmination of positive effects.

Every hour of every night.
I have always been a storm.
I have always been a storm.

For every one of the four (carry me to the floor)

2005-06-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Thank god I have the internet.
For every time that something dramatic / pseudo-dramatic / climactic happens in my life I find a counterbalance. Usually this counterbalance is something that I create myself as an open account for venting.

This time... it was a couple of pictures I found on the internet.

Don't ask me where I found them, how I found them, why they are the new center of my attention... some things are just better to take on a whole.

REJOICE!~
IN THE PUPPY!

BELIEVE!~
IN THE PUPPY!

It's good to know that I have someone in the world I can relate to.

A moment of self-reflection. (Never.Knows.Best.)

2005-06-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

You asshole.
You motherfucking asshole.
You goddamn motherfucking asshole.
You stupid goddamn motherfucking asshole.

You dumbass.
You motherfucking dumbass.
You goddamn motherfucking dumbass.
You stupid goddamn motherfucking dumbass.

Don't get apathetic.
Don't get apathetic.
Don't get apathetic.

Turn off the TV.
Go to sleep.
Let the sunburn peel.
Lonely in these sheets.
Everything is hardest to remember in the morning.

But, it's the best thing.
You've decided it's the best thing.
Let it be the best thing.
It's gotta be the best thing.
There's no going back now, right?

New volume.
New chapter.
Same book.
Same life.
Skin from tomatos.
Lame painful composites.
Memory dump.
And erase tonight.

Oik. Oik.

2005-06-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

The intense thing about old friends is that the liability is almost nil. I was ready to crash out last night when there was a knock at the door. Mind you, this was local to 10:30pm. I grabbed my pocket-knife and darted to the door, opened it cautiously and found Gary standing on the porch telling me that I needed to get my ass out of the house and have some fun.

So, I ended up sitting around with Brandy (now with a daughter), Liz, and TJ explaining the newfound 'past' between all of us. I honestly haven't seen most of these people for well over a year. I've disappeared a multitude of times after 2003; strange trend that I seem to be perpetuating. But, it's natural and, as was pointed out over beer and conversation, I'm not the old person I used to be.

Change it's inevitable, change it's on the way.

So, what kind of strange new shell have I become?

Apparently I slipped back into a previous persona while watching Brandy coddling the baby.

Me: "Is her head still soft?"
B: "Yeah..."
Me: "Can I push my fingers into her brain?"
B: "No."

It's not a pie, bitch.

2005-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

Fruit tart - not me, the pie
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

It's a tart. Trust me on this one. Do your research if you have to. Tart. TART.

Fresh peaches, cream cheese, almond crust, strawberry center, blueberry white chocolate glaze...

I know, it's almost pornographic. I'm getting turned on just talking about right now.

Based off of what people have been telling me I should really start investigating the possability of some kind of culinary college. Then again, wouldn't I be ahead of everyone else?

****************************
Chantel produced an excellent cheesecake. Chocolate-y and smooth. Just right.

I can't find my gun. [finger to the brain]

2005-06-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

I've pulled my whole room apart and, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what happened to my pistol. It's really starting to irk me. I have to wonder if my brother/father hawked the thing while I was gone. Can't a boy just shoot some stuff?

Then again, it could be a good thing that it's disappeared. I've been a bit of a downer lately and I don't know why. Could it be the sleeplessness finally wrapping its way across my brain?

Strange that some nights I sleep in excess to only feel just as disorientated as I do sleeping minimal amounts. One of these days I get around to seeing a doctor but, in the meanwhile I'll just yawn frequently.

Tomorrow I'll be baking, or, at least that's what I'm currently planning. I might spend a while out in the woods as well. One of these days I feel as if I'm just going to go hide out in the woods for a year. You know -- pull a modern Walden. There's just something amazing and sexy about living off the grid. It also satiates my weird need to disappear every once-in-a-while.

Baked Theft

2005-06-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

Pumpkinninny
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

Amanda, I hope you're not completely disgusted with me. While visiting the kids in Springfield two friends of theirs dropped in just to hang out. Well, fast forward to when the girl offers us some of this pumpkin dish that she prepared. It was good but, could have been better.

While I was eating the cake(?) Amanda looks at me as I'm dissecting it and exclaims, "I hate cooking for Wade because he always breaks everything down and analyzes it."

I guess I'm just a little scientific when it comes to food. After all, the art of cooking is grossly similar to alchemy. Regardless, I did analyze the dessert.

My final decision was that, "Yes, I can make it better, faster, stronger." So, when I got home I rummaged through the cupboards and concocted my own recipe.

There's just something about pumpkin that is satisfying on an entirely different level. Those of us that have discovered an appreciation for the flavor need a fix every once-in-a-while.

Tasty? Yeah...
Delicious? Yep.
Fuckin' sexy? You're goddamn right skippy.

Sad music for sad pirates.

2005-06-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Serious Rocking
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

Spent the day in Springfield rawking out with the Stanman. The house that Stan and Amanda landed proved to be quite nice as this was my first real extended visit -- even if I did sleep on the floor.

So, back to the music...
The tunes that we worked on are two of the slower songs in, what could be, amazingly, a catalog. I'm still kind of in shock as to what my voice sounds like (Britt Daniel + Elvis Costello). Oh well, at least it was fun. How do I always end up on the organ? Damn, now that's dirty!

Yeah... (bakers dozen version)

2005-05-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

poun.d.eath
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

I ended up baking again... there were strawberries in the 'fridge and this idea has been boiling around in my brains for ages now. The poundcake cupcake.

But children, it's not as innocent as it would appear to be. Oh no. I took off the top, scooped out part of the inside and filled it with my own homemade strawberry filling. Sinister? Let's keep going...

That's not whipped cream on the top -- try whipped white chocolate ganauche. That's a big ass chunk of light, fluffy chocolate sitting on top of that sexiness.

And, with that I add three more words: mega muffin pan.

That bitch is BIG.

Hidden Arts

2005-05-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

Taking the I-Beam
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

Michael took me to a sculpture park out in Western St Louis. The name of the park escapes me (it was out near Growlers Pub...) but, it was really quite interesting. All of these weird pieces trapped out in the woods. Ever turn past a wall of trees would reveal some new, hidden objective -- sometimes brightly garish, other times subdued and organic.

Then again, there's this large sweeping hill that is decorated by the larger exhibits... and, on this hill... is what can only be described as... HOT ARCHITECTURAL SEX.

OH YEAH. I SAID IT. YOU SEE IT.

HOT. Like, *sizzle* HOT.

We couldn't stop laughing... it was brilliant.

It's their gayest song, I think... EVER!

2005-05-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Spent the more meaningful days with Michael and drowning raw emotion out with beer... which means I'm working on nullifying all evil aspects of my psyche. Strange how that works...willful subjugation. I'm not sure what I'm worried of. Moreso, I'm worried about everything that my subconscious does. I think similarly to Rimmer from Red Dwarf -- I.E. I'm conscious of my subconscious undoings. It's how things broke down previously. I'm out to ruin myself. I know it. I know that I know it. I'm aware and fully unaware at the same time. Perhaps, I'm just trying too hard to control my own happiness. Hopefully these realms don't blend over. I don't know if I could take being the last great Satan again. These wills have pulled it out before... just ask the love I've owned. But, then again, I'm praying on the constructs of a 'junk future' to save me.

How's to believe I'm the one to be saved?
Not I votes the rabbit.

Ahem NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Thank you G.L.) Wow, I feel really old. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2005-05-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. If you can find any recognition in that title at all that must mean that you've seen the new Star Wars movie. I drove down to Springfield and watched the movie with Stan and Amanda and laying here now, thinking back to the movie, there are really just a minor handful of scenes that I remember off hand.

Primarily, the weird scene of Darth Vader yelling, "NOOO!" like the Incredible Hulk. For some reason, that scene just did not sit well with me. Alright, I'll admit the full truth... I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!

Sure, the movie was standard viewing fare -- me, surrounded by children annotating everything happening out loud as if they were all sitting next to a blind person. And suddenly when that scene occurred, when I suddenly started laughing uncontrollably, I perked up my ears to hear how these young minds absorbed it. Silence. One of the few moments of that movie where there was quiet and, of course, it has to be filled with my uncontrollable laughter.

At least I'm well trained in being a schmuck. :D

The movie also made me feel amazingly old. I wanted to cry near the end of the movie. Honestly. I did.
Not because of the drama on screen but, from how everything just fit together and how I could remember being the same age of the children in the audience watching Episode Four for the first time.

What kind of fucking weenie have I become?

Dereliction of Duties (god it's been fun).

2005-05-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

So, let's recap.

1. Lori came and went which makes me sad because I really miss having her around. She's my Big-Sis' for cryin' out loud. At least her and the cop are doing well and, I couldn't be any happier for them.

2. I've re-certified myself within the kingdom of nerds. I preordered myself a ticket to the new Star Wars movie. *sigh* I couldn't help it any longer. I was well aware that I would want to see it but, opening day? You nerd. Heh.

3. DYRL? [Do You Remember Love?] I learning it again and, I'm also remembering how lonely a bed can be.

This hour is reserved for bullshit.

2005-05-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

Picked up "Big Sis" from the airport for her graduation this weekend. I ended up at the airport a wee bit early and wandered around the airport looking for something to pre-occupy myself with for an hour+. I settled on a cute old-style, hardback book titled, "On Bullshit" by Harry Frankfurt. Not a bad little read, though, I find some of his correlations to 'bullshit' on a whole a bit too far off the road to be worthwhile to the subject. Eh, it's still fun and cheap. Plus, the public reactions are wholly worthwhile (this is the conservative Midwest, mind you). It brought back memories of reading Arthur Nersesian's "The Fuck Up" in public.

Better yet, pulling out a copy of Ginsberg's "The Fall of America". That always shocks the post-9/11 populace. Just imagine if they spent a little while inside the book itself.

Hah.

I miss the bombs.

2005-05-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, I've been doing this constant nostalgic reminiscing lately.
There's nothing wrong with that what-so-ever. Except, what started as common, sweet yesteryears daydreaming has soured into weird amalgams of old videogames and relatively recent experiences.

In short - I miss the bombs. I really do. I miss the frantic paranoia. I miss rolling out of bed and breathing in the dust off of the floor. I miss the night lighting up in streaks and announcing said ribbons of light with crunchy thuds. I miss wondering if I'm hurt and then seeing people that really are. I miss the rifle slung around my neck and slapping my thigh. I miss wishing the world would blow up; watching all of the vegetables, forests, streams, and Disney-esque animals cremated in my mind. And then imagining that cremated dust filling my nostrils and lungs in the same manner the normal windblown sediment would with my body slowing and aching from trying to absorb the centuries.

So, I decided upon this radical stance and said, "Let's not save the world."

Sick, huh? I don't quite understand how or why I've digressed to this.

Maybe it's just watching the past go into boxes sparked immediate wants within my brain.

It could just be that I wanted to see those animals again.

Coming to terms (surviving happiness in second place).

2005-05-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

Well, my older brother beat me to it. I was supposed to be the wunderkind that reigned supreme over the entire activity that is life. Well, I've now been put in second place and I'm really happy for my brother. I've always had the feeling that my over-achievement in childhood scarred him to a certain amount. I couldn't help it. Then again, in retrospect, I was a straight-edge little shit.

It's interesting to load up my old mindset. Everyone gets nostalgic and, of course, when I do it ends up being self-deprecating. So, I re-envision what I was back at 16/17 and project from there. The future at that time was all money; gross amounts of prospective funds that honestly, six years later, have not even started to congeal in the slightest.

But, most importantly, my focus has changed. Every person that I had in a role-model position, up to that point in my life, diagnosed monetary wealth as happiness. Then I started actually listening to my parents and have adapted their ideals.

Therefore, I would rather have a job that I enjoy reporting to every day along with being able to live comfortably. I'm not talking about luxury cars and mansions -- I would rather just be able to set back a small amount every month.

After talking with my brother post-graduation he's completely enraptured with the idea of being a millionaire. "Once I get that first million I can live off of that for the rest of my life."
It's weird that I grew up into an odd new mindset and, while it being the converse of mine, my brother did as well.

The really interesting part will be the re-evaluation of this after another 10-20 years have passed of us each carrying along these sets of ideals. I really hope my brothers newfound self-righteousness doesn't end up leaving him feeling empty inside.

And, I hope I'm not fucking myself over.

Help the aged.

2005-05-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

Branson. Oh god, Branson, MO. I've never experience such an extreme level of tourism ever in my entire life.

AND I ENJOYED WALL DRUG. I FUCKING LOVED IT. IT WAS KITSCH SUPREME AND I ATE THAT SHIT WITH A FORK AND KNIFE.
okay...

This place just seems so... Disturbing. It's creepy and old. Ancient. Decrepit. Archaic.

I can only imagine the amount of business that the funeral homes make off of the dwindling survivors here.

This whole weekend is a 'family outing' for my brothers graduation and I'm stuck in a funk. I drove my parents up here and all I could think was, "Jesus, I really just want to pop my dad right in the face." Luckily, he slept most of the way but, by the time we hit Branson all he could do was make asinine comments about my driving. That kind of shit where he's telling me that the road goes that way just as we're passing it. I hate that shit.

The whole time I couldn't stop thinking, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT HIT UP MAPQUEST FOR DIRECTIONS? YOU DUMBASS, YOU DUMBASS, YOU KNEW THIS SHIT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND ALL YOU DID WAS BRUSH IT OFF. IDIOT."

At least the hotel has a nice hot tub. So nice, in fact, that I stayed in for 10 minutes, got out, and fell down from light-headedness. The family of three that was in the pool at the time left and notified one of the workers. Which, you know, makes perfect sense considering I could have been having a heart-attack and instead of just asking, "Hey, are you alright?" they disappear. Five minutes later the clerk shows up and finds me collapsed outside on a deck chair and decides to interrogate me on if I'm actually staying here.

Branson. You have me scared, disoriented, and confused.
And I haven't even had a drink.

1 AM = headache

2005-05-06T01:15:00.000-07:00

I keep promising myself that I'll go to bed earlier but, it never happens. It's at least 1 AM before I can truly power down and close out the day. This night in particular I have a friendly headache. Not the regular headache, oh no, the headache that throbs spontaneously so as to convince you that, "oh, good, my headache has gone away... no, there it is again."

Even worse, my attempts at regulated wake-up's is failing horribly. I can wake up at a pre-designated time only 1 or 2 times a week. Elsewise I finally get up around 10-ish. Pathetic, no? These things take time and training. I'm not about to give up.

************************************************
Through my mothers efforts to ensure that I appear 'respectable' enough during my brothers graduation I went pants shopping today. I figured I'd just go with a pair of khaki's or chino's and settled with something a little dressier but, damn they fit well and they look good. When I showed my mom the pants/slacks/clothing for legs she said, "Well, I was just hoping you'd wear a nice pair of jeans and some clean shoes. Maybe a polo or something. If you dress up then so will your father and I and I really wasn't wanting to." She was probably speaking in regard to the aging pair of Converse one-star's that I prowl around in at times. Well, that and some of my more unorthodox t-shirts.

We also discussed how to act at this function. In summation: as Republican as possible.
And here I was thinking of having a little fun at the Christian college. :)

Power down the smiles (Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.)

2005-05-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Step 1: I promise to wake up to the alarm.
Step 2: I promise to actually wake up when the damn alarm goes off.
Step 3: I promise to not turn off the alarm and then coincidentally forget that it ever went off.

I'm having this real problem lately waking up when my alarm sounds. Some days it's nothing what-so-ever. Other times I wake up, turn the alarm off, yawn, lay back down, and then wake up 2-4 hours later wondering how I slept in so late and constantly questioning if the alarm had ever gone off in the first place.

Sick stuff, these time lapses.

Outside of all of this drivel I've been writing a bit. Working on a favor for a friend and stewing more and more over ideas and concepts for this weird little story I've been working on. Will it ever really go anywhere? I don't know.

But, in the meanwhile, it proves fulfilling.

*****************************************************************
I ran into my father this evening and he opened the conversation with, "You're a bad person, you know?" I looked at him and replied, "Granny called didn't she?" "Hah, smart kid!"

I guess it's true -- all families are psychotic.

Raw Examples of My Logic -- Episode 1

2005-05-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Solo Headwear
Originally uploaded by Zero Noun.

Here's a nice story for you.

So, on the first day of my journey westward I passed through podunk Maryville, MO. I have a friend from high-school that is attending the university there and decided I should call and inform them that I was passing through their sad, podunk town. The height of the conversation was when Debi asked, "Well, are you prepared for this drive? Do you have a spare tire?" I answered, "I have a donut." "Oh, you really need a spare tire if you're going to be driving such a long distance."

I blew it off. Why do I really need a spare tire??

But, as always, my brain overcomplicates things and by the time I was fifteen hours into the trip it was haunting me. "WHAT WILL I DO IF I HAVE A FLAT? HUH? DIDN'T THINK OF THAT, DID YOU JACKASS? YOU DON'T FIT IN HERE! THERE'S NOTHING BUT CERTIFIABLE COUNTRY-FOLK AROUND HERE."

So, I bought a hat -- a cowboy hat. The damn thing makes me look Amish, if anything.

Spare Tire --> Cowboy Hat

**BRILLIANT**

***********************************************
Well, I didn't have a flat during the trip but, at least I was prepared. Prepared to be that lonely stranger stuck way out of place. With a hat. A goddamn hat.